I have often come across parents who are counting the days until their children leave the family home for their own place. One good friend insisted that her late forties and early fifties would mark the best time of her life because then her children would be on their own. I have never longed for the nest to empty and dreaded when that day would arrive. That day is here once again and I am struggling with loneliness. The reason I say once again because three years ago the nest was empty but it did not last long. My children do not manage themselves well and a few have had to return home.
Ideally this should be a wonderful time for us and I believe my husband is fine with the house being empty but my life has always revolved around my children and without them I feel lost. My husband and I are not sliding into a second honeymoon period and I do not foresee one in the near future. We love each other but have very different ideas of what makes a marriage work. He is a dictator and I am a rebel, a combination that rarely works. His ways have forced our children to move out on their own even when they have been neither financially or mentally capable of doing so. He insists they left because of me yet two of my daughters have said if I wanted to leave him they would share an apartment with me. Does that sound like they left because of me? They have also told me that they can not deal with their father. I resent him not only for driving them out but for not accepting that he is the reason. I feel I am trapped in this marriage. I quit my job over 20 years ago to stay home with the children. This was more his idea than mine. I have no marketable skills and truly do not want to work at a fast food place so our marriage will continue. It is almost like living alone since we no longer share a bedroom. The only time this house comes alive is when our grandsons are here.
I need to find a purpose for my life. Without a sense of direction or even any real goals I feel I am just drifting from day to day. I am rapidly sliding back into a full blown depression and can not seem to stop it, I spent Sunday in bed and may remain here all of Monday too. I have been continuing to exercise at home but am slacking at going to the gym. Physical exercise does help my moods but I still do not know if I can actually claim to enjoy it. I will be forcing myself to hit the gym this week. It is not good for me to remain in the house 24/7.
