Perfection is not something I have thought was within my reach nor have I ever wanted it. I acknowledge my imperfections and try to improve on the ones that warrant it and embrace the ones I know are part of my personality. I have made many mistakes has a parent but have never intentionally placed my children in harm's way. Not all my decisions were popular but my role was not to be their friend or peer but to be their parent. I have forgiven them for their mistakes and tried to help them focus on improving their lives. The balance between enabling and helping often shifted back and forth but I believed it eventually evened out. I am no longer sure about that. The past week I discovered that the one child I probably have helped the most has no respect for me at all. Oh there were many signs but I kept ignoring them. Ignorance is not something I can claim any longer since she posted all over Facebook about how I am a rotten person and a bad mother. These posts were made from her cell phone which I pay for. I was not being vengeful but I could not allow the slandering to continue on my dime. I disabled her phone. Unfortunately this happened on her birthday. She does still have access to the internet and has posted more trash talk about me and how I ruined her birthday. I am trying to put all this bull into perspective but making little progress. Her son resides with my husband and I and she keeps threatening to take him away. This is a spiteful statement to make and is causing stress and anxiety. When she moved out to live with her boyfriend she left her son in my care because her boyfriend does not like children. The only reason she wants to take him now is to hurt me. Never mind that the child is happy here.
This is a tough time of year for me emotionally and mentally. I battle depression and the colder weather seems to pull me into that darkness. Last week I skipped the gym all week and this weekend I found it difficult to get out of bed. Today I fought desperately to not give in to the temptation to remain in bed. Much of last Winter was spent in my room. My laptop was my only companion. Over the summer I moved it to the living area and I began spending time in the company of my family. I do not want to let the darkness win again. I am fearful that it will. I feel myself slipping into a dark hole and it is not a place I want to see again.
