Empty Nest

     I have often come across parents who are counting the days until their children leave the family home for their own place. One good friend insisted that her late forties and early fifties would mark the best time of her life because then her children would be on their own. I have never longed for the nest to empty and dreaded when that day would arrive. That day is here once again and I am struggling with loneliness. The reason I say once again because three years ago the nest was empty but it did not last long. My children do not manage themselves well and a few have had to return home.
     Ideally this should be a wonderful time for us and I believe my husband is fine with the house being empty but my life has always revolved around my children and without them I feel lost. My husband and I are not sliding into a second honeymoon period and I do not foresee one in the near future. We love each other but have very different ideas of what makes a marriage work. He is a dictator and I am a rebel, a combination that rarely works. His ways have forced our children to move out on their own even when they have been neither financially or mentally capable of doing so. He insists they left because of me yet two of my daughters have said if I wanted to leave him they would share an apartment with me. Does that sound like they left because of me? They have also told me that they can not deal with their father. I resent him not only for driving them out but for not accepting that he is the reason. I feel I am trapped in this marriage. I quit my job over 20 years ago to stay home with the children. This was more his idea than mine. I have no marketable skills and truly do not want to work at a fast food place so our marriage will continue. It is almost like living alone since we no longer share a bedroom. The only time this house comes alive is when our grandsons are here.
     I need to find a purpose for my life. Without a sense of direction or even any real goals I feel I am just drifting from day to day. I am rapidly sliding back into a full blown depression and can not seem to stop it, I spent Sunday in bed and may remain here all of Monday too. I have been continuing  to exercise at home but am slacking at going to the gym. Physical exercise does help my moods but I still do not know if I can actually claim to enjoy it. I will be forcing myself to hit the gym this week. It is not good for me to remain in the house 24/7.

Zumba

     Happy 2012! I was hoping to wake up in January discovering I suddenly realized I absolutely loved exercising. My hopes were dashed but I expected them to be. I have taken a two week leave of absence from the gym. That does not mean I stopped exercising. I began using Gold's Gym boxing for the wii. It is a tough workout but short. I like it because it does help me deal with some anger issues. Santa also brought my daughter Lauren a few different dance party type games for the wii. We have played the Michael Jackson experience and it was fun. Today we popped in Zumba. Zumba is not for sissies. Nor is it for anyone who is remotely self conscious. I am sure I looked like a lunatic actually I know I did because Lauren told me. The cats were laughing at us too! Was it fun?  Well it was not boring and I am not very coordinated so the steps were not easy for me but since both my daughter and I are competitive and we can laugh at ourselves I guess it was fun. I beat her score by 7 points!!!!! Not bad at all.

Meet My Gremlins

     Everyone has a germlin or two that lurks in their shadows but not everyone is willing to acknowledge them.  Some  people  know they have germlins but are hesitant to identify them. I can identify at least two of mine.  One is depression and the other is addiction. Funny thing about these germlins is they do not like to play alone.  If one causes trouble it usually stirs up the other one. Ignoring them only goads them into causing havoc so one must find a balance between taming them and disciplining them.  I suspect that if either of mine disappeared a new one would take its place.

Dark Clouds

    Perfection is not something I have thought was within my reach nor have I ever wanted it. I acknowledge my imperfections and try to improve on the ones that warrant it and embrace the ones I know are part of my personality. I have made many mistakes has a parent but have never intentionally placed my children in harm's way. Not all my decisions were popular but my role was not to be their friend or peer but to be their parent. I have forgiven them for their mistakes and tried to help them focus on improving their lives. The balance between enabling and helping often shifted back and forth but I believed it eventually evened out. I am no longer sure about that.  The past week I discovered that the one child I probably have helped the most has no respect for me at all. Oh there were many signs but I kept ignoring them. Ignorance is not something I can claim any longer since she posted all over Facebook about how I am a rotten person and a bad mother. These posts were made from her cell phone which I pay for. I was not being vengeful but I could not allow the slandering to continue on my dime. I disabled her phone. Unfortunately this happened on her birthday. She does still have access to the internet and has posted more trash talk about me  and how I ruined her birthday.  I am trying to put all this bull into perspective but making little progress. Her son resides with my husband and I and she keeps threatening to take him away. This is a spiteful statement to make and is causing stress and anxiety. When she moved out to live with her boyfriend she left her son in my care because her boyfriend does not like children. The only reason she wants to take him now is to hurt me. Never mind that the child is happy here. 
     This is a tough time of year for me emotionally and mentally. I battle depression and the colder weather seems to pull me into that darkness. Last week I skipped the gym all week and this weekend I found it difficult to get out of bed. Today I fought desperately to not give in to the temptation to remain in bed. Much of last Winter was spent in my room. My laptop was my only companion. Over the summer I moved it to the living area and I  began spending time in the company of my family. I do not want to let the darkness win again. I am fearful that it will. I feel myself slipping into a dark hole and it is not a place I want to see again.

Fighting my way back

     Depression has robbed me of many things. The most recent being my creativity. I have been unable to blog about anything. My mind has been completely fried. For the past six months I have been very active in trying to become a healthier person. Perhaps with physical health mental health will follow. I joined a new gym January of 2011. My daughter was interested in a guy who attended this gym and she wanted to join so I signed us both us. The gym is Planet Fitness and the location was a few towns over from us. Roughly a 25 minute drive. We attended once and were not impressed with the facility at all. Her relationship with the guy in question went no where and we seemed to be stuck with these gym memberships. In March I discovered that a Planet Fitness was opening up in our city. No more travel excuses so I transferred out membership to the new gym. In April we both began visiting the gym. We really liked the guy who worked nights. He was helpful and very friendly. We explored the different areas of the gym and both of us decided that we liked the arc trainer. It is a killer workout and burns a good deal of calories. It is similar to an elliptical but puts less stress on the knees and hips. When we first began 6 minutes was the maximum I could do. Now I can do 30. I need variety in everything I do so I try to alternate the machines I do use. There is also a 30 minute circuit training area. I try to do the 30 min circuit twice a week and add 40 minutes of cardio four times a week. On the days I do the 30 min circuit I drop the cardio down to 30 min. It has been six months and I have kept being faithful in my workouts. My daughter has not. She has not gone with me since June. We both have the Black Card memberships which entitles us to free tanning and use of the massage chairs. I had stopped the tanning over the summer but am planning to start up again soon.
     I wish I could stay I enjoy the workouts. I have always hated exercising and doubt I will ever truly enjoy it. I have noticed a lifting of my mood but the approach of the Winter months is dragging me back down a bit. I feel physically stronger and my muscles do not scream at me as loudly as when I first began working out. I have heard that you need to get in the zone and enjoy the burn. I enjoy it greatly once the workout is over. Is that the zone? The burn is usually a combination of muscles screaming and the muscle rub I use to help sooth that burn. The muscle rubs burns all on it's own. I made an important discovery though. Never use muscle rub and then touch parts of your body such as your eyes or nose. If you need to use the bathroom and any muscle rub residue remains on your fingers you may learn a whole new meaning of the word burn.  It would be nice if the excess weight I have been carrying would be flying off me. It hasn't and I am trying not to be discouraged. I have lost approximately 30 lbs since April. I say approximately because once the scale began claiming I weighed 215 I stopped looking at it. Slow and steady wins the race or so it is said. I did Weight Watchers online for a few months but have been slacking lately. I know the more effort I put in the more weight I will lose but it is hard to make good food choices all the time.