I am a wannabe blogger. I read a fair share of blogs and most of them center on a specific topic. Some bloggers focus on book reviews, some on parenting , while others share the author’'s views on bargain hunting, cooking or fashion. I imagine there is a blog for any subject a person can think of. My problem stems from my not being able to truly focus one just one topic. Thanks ADHD! Do I really need to stick to one topic ? If my goal was to build a fan base then I would certainly beneft from honoring that practice. Presently my goal for this blog is to get into the habit of writing. If, somewhere along the way, I find myself favoring one topic I may take the liberty of readjusting my goals. Welcome to my blog about nothing!
Riding the Rollercoaster of Life
Random thoughts and musing from someone who is trying to stay sane while dealing with the challenges presented when several family members have mood disorders. ADHD, Bipolar, OCD, BPD and sobriety are some of the issues members of our family have to deal with.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
In the blink of an eye
My Mom is seventy three and Dad just celebrated his seventy sixth birthday. Neither have led overly healthy lifestyles. Both began smoking at a very early age and their diet has always consisted of fatty foods fried in oil and heavily processed foods encrusted with sodium. Physical activity was not something either would indulge in unless it was to walk into a store to get their next pack of cigarettes. Amazingly my parents are both a fairly healthy weight but both have developed diabetes and Mom has C.O.P.D. The C.O.P.D. has limited my Mom since she is now on oxygen. Several times a year she ends up hospitalized due to lung issues. She has become frail and over the past half year or so has fallen in the home. Luckily she never was severely injured. As our parents age I think they tend to become a bit secretive about some of their health issues. When my Dad began feeling tired and out of sorts Mom believed it was simply the result of aging. She never informed us and only seeing them for short periods none of my siblings or I noticed this change. On April 24th my Mom decided to venture down to the basement to wash some laundry. She felt the urge to take some of the burden off my Dad even though she had been forbidden from going into the basement. My Dad had fallen asleep on the couch and did not notice her departure. Lucky for Mom the upstairs tenant chose that night to do laundry also for she found Mom sprawled at the bottom of the stairs. A phone call from my brother sent me and my siblings racing to the emergency room where we discovered that Mom had broken her hip. Since it was late at night and not deemed an emergency the surgery would wait for the morning when a surgeon would be available to evaluate her. We were all stressed but I did not like the way my Dad was looking. In the morning my brother informed me that the surgeon had decided to do the procedure using a spinal instead of general anesthesia because of my mother's breathing issues. Dad was at the hospital with Mom and we all would meet at the hospital following the surgery. Things did not work quite the way we expected. When Mom was wheeled into surgery Dad decided he was going to go home and rest as he did not feel well. Upon crossing the parking lot he located his car but began sweating profusely. He grabbed his cell phone and phoned my brother who immediately recognized that Dad was in trouble. Not wanting to break the connection my brother hit his Onstar button. With their assistance hospital personal, police and rescue were able to locate our Dad and rush him into the emergency room. My siblings and I quickly arrived at the hospital to discover that Dad had suffered a heart attack. The cardiologist on call was able to prevent major damage from occurring by doing a heart catheterization while we alternated between the cath lab waiting area and the surgical waiting area.
In one brief twelve hour period the events that occurred changed almost everything about my daily life. Of course it changed my parents lives and the lives of my siblings as well. All "in the blink of an eye".
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Empty Nest
Ideally this should be a wonderful time for us and I believe my husband is fine with the house being empty but my life has always revolved around my children and without them I feel lost. My husband and I are not sliding into a second honeymoon period and I do not foresee one in the near future. We love each other but have very different ideas of what makes a marriage work. He is a dictator and I am a rebel, a combination that rarely works. His ways have forced our children to move out on their own even when they have been neither financially or mentally capable of doing so. He insists they left because of me yet two of my daughters have said if I wanted to leave him they would share an apartment with me. Does that sound like they left because of me? They have also told me that they can not deal with their father. I resent him not only for driving them out but for not accepting that he is the reason. I feel I am trapped in this marriage. I quit my job over 20 years ago to stay home with the children. This was more his idea than mine. I have no marketable skills and truly do not want to work at a fast food place so our marriage will continue. It is almost like living alone since we no longer share a bedroom. The only time this house comes alive is when our grandsons are here.
I need to find a purpose for my life. Without a sense of direction or even any real goals I feel I am just drifting from day to day. I am rapidly sliding back into a full blown depression and can not seem to stop it, I spent Sunday in bed and may remain here all of Monday too. I have been continuing to exercise at home but am slacking at going to the gym. Physical exercise does help my moods but I still do not know if I can actually claim to enjoy it. I will be forcing myself to hit the gym this week. It is not good for me to remain in the house 24/7.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Zumba
Friday, December 16, 2011
Meet My Gremlins
Everyone has a germlin or two that lurks in their shadows but not everyone is willing to acknowledge them. Some people know they have germlins but are hesitant to identify them. I can identify at least two of mine. One is depression and the other is addiction. Funny thing about these germlins is they do not like to play alone. If one causes trouble it usually stirs up the other one. Ignoring them only goads them into causing havoc so one must find a balance between taming them and disciplining them. I suspect that if either of mine disappeared a new one would take its place.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Dark Clouds
This is a tough time of year for me emotionally and mentally. I battle depression and the colder weather seems to pull me into that darkness. Last week I skipped the gym all week and this weekend I found it difficult to get out of bed. Today I fought desperately to not give in to the temptation to remain in bed. Much of last Winter was spent in my room. My laptop was my only companion. Over the summer I moved it to the living area and I began spending time in the company of my family. I do not want to let the darkness win again. I am fearful that it will. I feel myself slipping into a dark hole and it is not a place I want to see again.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Fighting my way back
I wish I could stay I enjoy the workouts. I have always hated exercising and doubt I will ever truly enjoy it. I have noticed a lifting of my mood but the approach of the Winter months is dragging me back down a bit. I feel physically stronger and my muscles do not scream at me as loudly as when I first began working out. I have heard that you need to get in the zone and enjoy the burn. I enjoy it greatly once the workout is over. Is that the zone? The burn is usually a combination of muscles screaming and the muscle rub I use to help sooth that burn. The muscle rubs burns all on it's own. I made an important discovery though. Never use muscle rub and then touch parts of your body such as your eyes or nose. If you need to use the bathroom and any muscle rub residue remains on your fingers you may learn a whole new meaning of the word burn. It would be nice if the excess weight I have been carrying would be flying off me. It hasn't and I am trying not to be discouraged. I have lost approximately 30 lbs since April. I say approximately because once the scale began claiming I weighed 215 I stopped looking at it. Slow and steady wins the race or so it is said. I did Weight Watchers online for a few months but have been slacking lately. I know the more effort I put in the more weight I will lose but it is hard to make good food choices all the time.